“Don’t stress, you’re still young!”

“Next cycle it’s bound to work!”

“Just go on holiday!”

“Shall we show you how it’s done...?”

“Then just adopt!”

This and so much more was said to me and my ex-husband for years about our unfulfilled wish for a child.
Comments that hurt more than once.
Comments that made us feel we weren’t being taken seriously.
That our feelings weren’t being taken seriously.
That our perceptions weren’t being taken seriously.
That our reality wasn’t being taken seriously.

More than once, I wished with all my heart that I could let the person in front of me see my world through my eyes

The pain.

The grief.

The powerlessness.

The despair.

The shame.

At the fertility clinic, we saw that we were not alone.

We saw people of all ages, all social classes, from every kind of background.
There were countless people going through what we were going through.
There are countless people going through what we are going through.

The success rate of in-vitro fertilisation – meaning a pregnancy – ranges from 4% to 40%, depending on the circumstances.

The so-called “baby take-home rate” – meaning taking a living child home – is not 100%, not even 50%, but between 20% and 30%.

No, assisted reproductive medicine is no guarantee of a child.
And no, it rarely works on the first try.
Sometimes it takes three attempts, sometimes ten.
Sometimes even all those attempts are not enough.

And many couples leave empty-handed.
Without a child.
Forever.

Statistically, one in ten couples is involuntarily childless.

And it’s not just the partnership that is affected. No.

It affects your family, your friendships, your social circle, your job, your quality of life.
It affects everything.

Our marriage did not survive. Like so many others.

Our families stood by us. Others don’t.

Many friendships survived this time, others did not.

Everywhere, in almost every situation in life, I was confronted with this wish.
There was no escape.
No break.
No pause.

The time of unfulfilled longing for a child is not something that runs quietly in the background.

The longing for a child defined my life.
The longing was my content, its frame, its structure.

The treatments, the success stories of others, and the unrelenting wish for a family of my own consumed me completely.
It became my identity.
The wish for a child ruled my life, my thoughts, my very being.

Because who could I possibly be if I was not a mother?
If I could not do the thing that seems the simplest and most natural in the world?
Become pregnant.

Who was I then?

This project brings together more than four years of wishing for a child.

The project itself lasted exactly nine months
(April–December 2023).

50 cycles of trying.

50 negative results.

11 hormonally supported cycles in 15 months.

487 injections, suppositories, tablets.

More than a million tears cried.

0 pregnancies.

0 children.

I want to show you the world I lived in for years.

My world.

A world of involuntary childlessness.

Exhibition – Installation

The exhibition ran from 13 January 2024 to 29 February 2024 at Kuckuck, Sankt Vith (Belgium).

It was based on two black wooden boxes representing the cubicles of a fertility clinic.
They were covered with a curtain, separating the visitor from a dark, confined, and uncertain world.
The interior could only be explored with artificial light – because to see the feelings, the visitor first had to find them.

Questions that we, as a couple, asked ourselves during our time of wanting a child were placed on the floor.

A silent film brought the images to life.

QR codes led the visitor to recordings from my world (diaries, thoughts, fears, and wishes).

Regional media coverage: "Manushya": Fotoausstellung in St. Vith über unerfüllten Kinderwunsch - BRF Nachrichten

The title “manushya” comes from Sanskrit and means “to be human” or “being human”.

During the time of wishing for a child, I often felt like I was a bad person. A bad friend.

But who would we be as humans without our feelings?
Aren’t they what define us?

What make us human?
You are human.
Nothing more, nothing less.

The aim of the exhibition / project is to give space and a voice to this taboo topic of involuntary childlessness.

This project is meant to be a wake-up call.
A wake-up call for greater sensitivity and understanding.
A wake-up call to take another person’s emotions and perceptions seriously.
To take your own emotions and perceptions seriously.

We want to encourage people to look at this subject from a new perspective and engage with it.

Because being affected does not end where a child is born.